The Long Winter

Yesterday, a friend of mine said, "I've been following your blog, but you haven't posted in a while." And the truth is, this white world of winter paired with being sick, well, I haven't been all too inspired to share much of my personal suffering. I'm tired of it, for one. And also, it seems so trivial in comparison to the massive suffering I witnessed in the lives of so many women I met abroad. But suffering is suffering is suffering is suffering. And in it, we all ask the same two questions, "Why?" and "How long?"

But it's true while there are no grand adventures to report, or musings from foreign lands, there is a lot going on inside. Mostly in response to this question of why. These last few months have been a wild ride, not in the "hold on to your hats and glasses" sort of way, but in the "please don't let this last forever" way. In my last post I wrote that the 4 weeks I had been home seemed almost longer than the 4 months I was abroad. That statement remains true. It's been a long winter. But I have not been left out in the cold.

When I first set up my blog, the intention was to write about beauty lost and found-- in the lives of others. My trip was to be an observation, a time of collecting, an experience. And then, it was to be a means by which to propel me towards re-ACTION. While this intent remains valid, it is playing out much differently than I could ever have foreseen. However, if I have learned anything in this time of waiting and healing and processing, it is this: I am exactly where God wants me to be. It took me three months to accept that. And the acceptance is still very much a daily exercise.

I am not naturally a patient person. Perhaps a product of my generation's instant gratification mentality. Or maybe it's just human nature. We want life to be neat, obvious and pain-free. And it is not. It never will be and we spend a lot of energy pushing against that. It is written, "Man is born in to trouble as sure as sparks fly upward". Unavoidable. It took me three months to accept that too. And, it's taken me almost 40 years to put those 2 together:

My life is not neat, obvious or pain-free, and I am exactly where God wants me to be.

This goes against a basic understanding that many of us cling to. We want to believe that if there is a God, He only allows good in the world. If bad things happen in life, we can deduce the opposite, God is mean. It goes back to the age old question that has plagued humanity since the beginning, "How can a good God let bad things happen?"

My life is not neat, obvious or pain-free, and I am exactly where God wants me to be.

And things are pretty bad. All we have to do is watch the news. Read the paper. Governments are irresponsible, people are revolting, women are raped, children are sold, corporations steal, diseases thrive, hearts are broken. The planet is running amuck. Not looking so good. Naturally, many of us run around feeling certain that if there is a God, He has abandoned us. So we abandon God. If He appears not to care, why should we? But if that's it, if that's where we stop, well I'm doomed. But...

My life is not neat, obvious or pain-free, and I am exactly where God wants me to be.

I chose to go on this 4 month journey to southern Asia. Feeling a certain amount of leading, I proceeded while knowing there would be risks. And, I loved my journey. I learned so much, met amazing people. Trip of a lifetime. But... I came back with an strange illness that has a certain amount of uncertainty, pretty crummy symptoms and a very long healing time. This was not part of my plan. I have felt and still at times feel angry, sad, lonely, frustrated. Step. Repeat. But...

My life is not neat, obvious or pain-free, and I am exactly where God wants me to be.

Sick? Yes. Do I live in a world with parasites and bacteria that are harmful for us humans? Yes. Did God allow this to happen? Yes. Can he heal me? Yes. Is He? Yes. Slowly. In His time. In this I can rest. In spite of it being nebulous, uncomfortable and certainly not what I define as good. God is in this mess. Exactly. I see it. I see how every day of rest is a time not just for resting, but for healing, and for idea incubation. It is a time for new forged friendships, for being surprised. It is a time to know my family in a way I never have. A time to receive and be thankful. And, I have time to dream again.

My life is not neat, obvious or pain-free, and I am exactly where God wants me to be.

Suffering. This word, this activity, this state that we so hope to avoid. It is a season. Much like winter, it too shall pass. But while it's still here. Invite it in. Question it. Get mad at it. Ask God why? He will show you. He shows me daily, mostly in unexpected ways, but He shows me, sometimes just glimpses. One that I have learned is that beauty is not just found in the terrain of other's suffering and redemption, but right here in my very own life. Yes, Beauty found.